Unhappy Marriage: Save it or End it for your kids

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Published on June 13th, 2015 | by Joan Makai

Not all marriages are made in heaven. Differences seem to compound after some time. So should the partners continue to experience the hell, for the sake of their children, or should they part ways? This is not an easy question to answer! Many factors such as ages of children, finances after divorce, ability to control outbursts, the sensitive nature of children, etc., need to be thought of before zeroing in on divorce.

Divorces hurt children because-

  • There are financial controls imposed on them which were not there before.
  • They are separated from one of the parents, for no fault of theirs.
  • They may not be able to share their problems with the parent to whom the custody is given.

Therefore, children may become aggressive or introverts. Once they cocoon themselves in their world, they are hard to understand or bring up. However, not all children tend to bottle up their anger or create a make believe, the world from which they do not want to step out into reality. Similarly, not all relationships on the verge of breaking down are irreparable. But there are a few litmus tests that can indicate whether keeping up pretenses is worth it.

Some of the effects that an unhappy marriage could do to their children are:

  1. Behavioral Aggression

When partners are unhappy with each other, and trying to act amicably in front of children, there comes a time when all the anger finds its way out in big fights and outbursts. When parents shout or are nasty with each other, children notice. That is God’s gift to them to understand that something is wrong. Children may not appreciate it, but in a similar situation, they are likely to behave in the same fashion. Effectively, the child becomes a maladjusted child. So was that act really worth it for the child?

  1. Attention Denial

Children need more attention and under normal circumstances, parents are able to devote as much as needed. But when the parents are too wrapped up in their own problems and day-to-day squabbles with a spouse, children may face neglect as well as unreasonableness. Effectively, an insurmountable distance comes in between the parent and child as well.

  1. Abuse and Child’s Psychology

If the parent remains in a relationship that puts her through regular physical and mental torture, then the child may start accepting all types of abuse as well, considering it as normal. Alternately, the child may become an abuser.

In situations such as these, divorce may be better. Financial constraints are inevitable for a while. But children learn to live with it if they get enough love from the parent or parents as the case may be. What parents can do for their children is make the divorce process more of a mutual agreement and less of a tug of war, especially if such war is for some monetary assets. They should also not break down the child’s idea of the family by declaring the spouse as unworthy and unlovable person, unless, of course, he or she was abusive. If the child is assured of love from both the parents even after divorce, the young heart mends. But unfortunately amicable parting rarely happens.

Photo Credit: jcoterhals via Compfight cc

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Joan Makai

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